I think my subconscious is losing my Mind

It’s either that or I am starting to feel the affects of sleep deprivation. It’s been about 4 days since the last time I slept through the night and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I rarely ingest caffeine. Because I know soda can remove paint from my car I almost never drink it and when I do I choose the non-caffeinated type. A “coffee” for me is a once-in-a-great-while Starbucks Iced Vanilla Latte, and that might be once a month at most. In fact, I mostly drink water and flavored seltzer. So that can’t be it. Though I did find this cool poster showing the amount of caffeine in many of our favorite drinks. Click the pic for the link where I found it.

So last night we had a wicked thunderstorm, and I was actually grateful for it because it woke me up out of a dream that I was not enjoying in the least. What I remember most is that I was going to jail.

Now, I’ve never been to jail, nor have I ever been arrested. Let’s just get that straight. But in my dream, I’m sitting in a large room full of people. I don’t know who they are but it’s comfortable and I get the sense that I know them somehow. Anyway, I’m at a computer and I’m on Facebook playing one of those games, like Cityville. I have no idea which. Sitting behind me is a nattily dressed state trooper or some other form of law enforcement officer and he’s young, well built, handsome even. He’s also so very polite as he asks me now and then if I’m ready to go. He’s lovely ( I do love men in uniform) and I feel sick to my stomach, all the while thinking “when will I get to play Cityville on Facebook again if I go to jail??”. Just before I wake up out of this dream, I realize I’m stalling. I’m stalling the cute officer and hoping, desperately, that one of the people in the room is going to save me from this and keep me from going to jail. And I feel bad for doing this to the nice police man, but hey who wants to go to jail?

Thunder clap. I wake up. I am so relieved. What the hell was that?

My back story, in a nutshell, is that I have suffered from what is known as “Pavor Nocturnus” for years. It’s also known as Night Terrors. I can’t say one gets used to jolting out of a deep sleep, jumping four feet off the bed, and screaming for your bed mate to get down on the floor, but I’m familiar with my own behavior after all these years. The terrors mostly do not result from a dream, though. They are like a clap of thunder themselves, happening in a flash and leaving me with no way to explain them. In the beginning of our marriage, my husband thought he’d married an insane woman. He has, of course, confirmed that assumption over the years, and he has also learned to deal better with my nocturnal outbursts.

As for my dreams throughout my life, they have usually either been very complicated or anxiety driven. Like the elevator that goes in every direction or the night I woke up and felt euphoric for 2 days because I felt like everything and everyone I had ever known had been in my dreams the night before. It still makes me wonder if, for some reason, my life passed before my subconscious eyes.

Now I’ve lost what little tether I had on the point I had wanted to make in the first place. This is just the rambling of an over tired mind, I’m afraid.

Oh right. Am I losing my mind. I’m not hallucinating yet, so I think there’s still hope. Why I can’t sleep is beyond me at this point. Tossing and turning for hours really is the pits. I’m just waiting to hit the wall, and then slide down said wall into a whimpering mass right before I finally black out involuntarily as my addled mind does a force quit.

On a humorous note, the husband and I can’t figure out if he’s waking me up or if I’m waking him up. So I very possibly can shunt some of the blame to him. These are the dangers of sharing a bed with another human being. Now I shall see if I can get any work done.

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